The entire reason for this blog was sparked by a little movie (given the horrible impression it left on me in the first 30 minutes, I'd almost go with minuscule...this movie will never make it) most people know as Knocked Up, but will always be known to me as "the most embarrassing private mistake I've made since forgetting to vote in 2000."
Well, it's not so private now. I went to see this movie the day it came out, because...well, I live on a veritable island of isolation separated from the social mainland by an energy-sapping sea of geriatrics. I have nothing to do. So, I go see movies starring Katherine Heigl and watch her try and capitalize on the success of Grey's Anatomy by trying her hand yet again at the big screen, which has worked out so abysmally for her in the past.
Right away, I was struck by the completely disgusting language of the dialogue. It was a little shocking, considering the ads made this movie out to be some sort of new age alternative family drama. I was even embarrassed for the actors that they had to speak like that. There were like 15 swear words every minute and from actors that typically don't swear in films. It was strange to hear.
After thinking that I could handle the harsh language (I mean...I do work in a kitchen. I can zone it out...much like I do to some of my co-workers entirely), I was dealt another blow from this seemingly harmless movie, like being accidentally punched in the eye by a baby. The dude who gets Katherine Heigl pregnant is a weed-smoking derelict trying to launch a porn site or something to make money...and of course there are scenes of him "working diligently." Needless to say, it made me want to run home and read the encyclopedia or the dictionary to try and win back both my dignity and the plethora of IQ points I lost in the 30 minutes I was sitting in the chair thinking to myself, "Surely, this movie can't be this bad. There has to be some way they can turn this around. Well, I'll give it 10 more minutes...or until I finish my diet Coke."
Oh no. When this absolute migraine of a human being ropes Katherine into helping him "work" I had it. I stomped (quietly of course) out of the theater in protest, something I haven't done in about 13 years. And I even thought to myself when I noticed the movie was rated R when I walked into the theater, "hmmm....I hope it's one of those movies that is rated R that doesn't really deserve it." It was Katherine Heigl! She seems so innocent and nice. Who could have known that she could so easily be persuaded into helping to launch a porn site. That's it. I'm scarred. An indelible mark on my psyche. I'll never be able to look at Under Siege 2: Dark Territory the same again. I guess low standards don't always love you back.
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A Haiku
Once you smelled of pig
You said you tried fruity soaps
But it's still there, love
You said you tried fruity soaps
But it's still there, love
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The Angle
Movies and other entertainment media fall prey to a myriad of different view points. Thus, it is highly arrogant to assume one person can effectively process and evaluate all the various genres of movies and music in a fashion that respects the full spectrum of movie patrons. So, we give you the Movie Cynics.
Sharp wit and quick tongues cut straight to the heart of plots, character development, product placement, and shameless intrigues giving you an honest, well-rounded synopsis allowing you to know beforehand what to expect from your entertainment.
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10 comments:
The movie never sparked any interest for me; unlike you, with your discriminately good-looking, now-defunctly previously LDS Katherine (yes, did you know that? she claimed in an interview that she stopped going to church because she "couldn't find a ward she liked"... hello), the lead male was apparently cast to fulfill every lame, slacker, loser guy out there's fantasy brought to life.
In reality, as soon as I saw how much the critics were glorifying the movie, I thought to myself, this has to be bad. Like, 40-Year-Old Virgin, The Wedding Crashers (Owen and Vince aside, of course), Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle bad.
The Musketeer must have nothing on this.
Just so I can plan for the future, exactly how long are you going to hold that over my head?
I concur. Neither this nor any of the other movies mentioned made me even the slightest bit interested in seeing them. I think it's a sad commentary on the collective American cinematic palate when movies like "Knocked Up" (which by its title alone should warn movie-watchers of its quality - sorry UPC) receive so much praise for their "comic genius". As if we're supposed to believe that this is a new sub-genre of high-brow comedy. I'm sorry, what? Does this mean that "Revenge of the Nerds" and "Coneheads" will soon be ushered into the motion picture hall of fame for intellectual comedy? Shoot me now.
And regarding our dear Ms. Heigl, since her stint in the Hallmark Hall of Fame films "Love Comes Softly" and "Love's Enduring Promise", which I liked in spite of the heavy cheese-factor, her choices have become decidedly less "family friendly". (And excuse me, but she couldn't find a ward she liked? Please.)
I'm afraid I'm making it sound like all I watch are HHF and Lifetime movies and while I have been known to enjoy a production or two from either corporation, please do not believe that I mistake them for great film art. Ahem. No.
UPC I applaud your silent protest. I don't think I've ever actually walked out of a movie, although in retrospect there are are several times that I wish I had. Shudder...shudder...shudder. I just made the mistake of thinking about some of those horrid cinematic aberrations. Next time I'll think of your fortitude and just cut my losses and run.
Constant Vigilance!
Thanks Sam for killing any tiny spark of desire to watch this movie. Yes is sounded dumb but sometimes I am so curious that I forego any warnings and watch the terrible movie. I have to admit that the previews did not give a good representation of the movie. Yuck.
And for the record, there is nothing wrong with Hallmark movies. Yes they might be highly cheesy and at times silly, but also highly entertaining. In fact, one of my roommates loves them because they are usually highly mockable and yet good. My personal favorites: Lucky Seven.
Oh good. Thanks, Britt. I was really just looking for a little validation. I'll have to check out Lucky Seven. (And who doesn't like creating their own version of MST 3K while watching laughably bad movies?)
Dudes, it's kind of whack that "Knocked Up" was bootsy cuz three of the dudes in the movie were in this TV series from 1999 called "Freaks and Geeks, which is totally off the hook. Yall done seen it? I recommend.
Movies that caused my own barfing experience upon viewing: "The Island of Dr. Moreau", which included people booing and throwing things at the screen; "America's Sweethearts," which was doubly disgusting because before seeing the movie, I caught Oprah making out with Julia Roberts's crack, telling her how great the movie was; and "Mean Girls," which had its humorous moments and included Tina Fey ("30 Rock" is humor), but the idea that the actors were "high school students" doing "high school type stuff" was completely ridiculous.
I must clarify that there was no presumption of greatness on my part. I deigned to allow Katherine and her nameless co-star who E! hinted injudiciously might be the new king of comedy (I know!) to occupy an anticipated 2 hours of my life with nothing less than severe skepticism. I didn’t think it would be good, but I thought it would at least be passable. It was just the most deluded form of fallacy to even entertain the hope that this movie could stave off boredom in a wholesome manner for a little. I still feel silly for seeing it. Like I’m Kelly Ripa to your Regis. I’m the crazy antic to your intellectual subtlty. I can see the pattern forming already.
Lifetime Movies, surely the most narrow of disciplines in the cinematic arts, are always a mistake. When I worked overnight and had days off where I had to stay up all night and sleep during the day, I fell prey to Lifetime movies once or twice and I'm just barely recovering. Hey it was either that or infomercials about ab machines. I had to choose the less depressing of the two..although at that point it's really six of one, half a dozen of the other.
I have actually seen the entire airing of Freaks and Geeks and really liked it. However, the characters that were freaks and geeks are now put into main character roles with supposed romantic interests. Yeah right! And GROSS.
Freaks and Geeks was genius and I loved a lot of the characters, but you really can't make a love interest be a loser guy with even less personality. Not gonna happen.
A large group of classmates saw "Knocked Up" a couple of weeks ago and now I know why all the men (all military) loved it. And, I was just thinking it was a more graphic, yet harmless romantic comedy... well, I guess it was literally a "more graphic" comedy...
I'm glad I passed up that "team building" exercise.
case of great minds thinking alike or just a blatant rip off?
just curious:
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